Dating during a Pandemic is, to say the least, rather unorthodox and extremely unfamiliar, which can make it quite nerve wrecking. Hinge, ‘ The dating App Designed To be Deleted’, has introduced Video Dating. Giving people looking for love the option to do a virtual vibe check to help ease the nerve and anxiety of digital pandemic dating. Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, Logan Ury, shares with us the benefits of Video Dating, why it works, and gave some bonus insight on her new book “How to Not Die Alone”, the results from recent studies on what makes for a successful relationship, and getting back into dating.
- What is relationship science?
Relationship science is the study of how love works. It’s an investigation of what matters for long term relationship success, the types of people that are attracted to each other, and common mistakes made that can also be avoided in dating – and all of this is based off of rigorous scientific studies of love.
- Why/where do you think the shame of virtual dating/meeting derives from?
I have been looking at dating and relationship patterns for a long time, and there was definitely a period where people were embarrassed about meeting online & they would sometimes come up with alternate how we met story. I feel like in many parts of the world that stigma is gone. There is great research from Michael J Rosenfeld from Stanford, who shows that couples who have met over the past few years that are still in happy relationships since 2018 have often met online. Now that this is the most common way to meet, how can it be stigmatized? This is what most people are doing, and this is especially true during the Pandemic when the other ways of meeting weren’t happening as much. Dating apps becoming default way to meet – especially at Hinge which is the fastest growing dating app in Canada.
Now, Virtual Dating – going on a video date before you meet up in person, or in general as a way to meet someone. Very few people had tried this before the pandemic, it just wasn’t part of modern dating culture, but during the pandemic when it became challenging to go on in person dates and people still wanted to find love, we saw this huge explosion in video dating. Now as parts of the world are opening back up, at Hinge we’re looking at dating trends & dating predictions. One thing that we’re seeing is that the majority of people who have tried video dating say that in the future they would love to continue video dating because they feel that it’s a really efficient way of getting to know someone and deciding if you want to go on an in-person date. It’s that step in-between – “Maybe we match on the app, text a little bit, and before meeting up in person we go on that video date. On that video date we see if we have chemistry, things to talk about, Do I feel interested in you?”. It gives people the opportunity to meet someone in a safe and easy way to get that virtual vibe check.
Hinge launched video prompts: As a dating coach and advisor Hinge was always my favourite app because of the profiles working. There’s an emphasis on questions and genuine responses in getting to know you, so Hinge was the first app came out having prompts and responses on profiles. Now we’ve incorporated that same idea of asking questions of getting to know you into these video dates. People can pick from 1 or 8 video prompt asks. It’s a very natural way to break the ice without having to answer the questions on the spot.
- How do you come up with video date ice breakers?
We have done this through testing it with real users and real couples. We really looked at “What is the route of a great date?” and discovered that the route of a great date is a feeling of connection. So, all of these questions are designed to help you break the ice and get to know someone and do it in a playful way. I just wrote a book called “How to Not Die Alone” about dating. I have a chapter called “This is a date not a job interview”, and it’s about how you do not interrogate people, but rather ask questions to help you go deeper and get to know someone. So, these video prompts do a great job at that and getting people out of that normal mode of interviewing each other and works towards emphasizing connection.
- What are some of your favourite video dating prompts?
- My most controversial opinion on food is….
- The backstory to a gift I once gave or received is….
- Something I wouldn’t normally disclose to a date is….
- Show me something from your closet that represents your style.
- If we had front row concert seats we’d see ____
- How to show up authentically on dates after heartbreak:
This is an interesting question because it gets to the route of “When are you ready to put yourself out there?”. I have seen a lot of people who wait too long to get back into dating and I call these people “hesitators”. They feel like they are just not ready to date and have the mindset of “I’ll date when I loose 10 pounds, I’ll date when I have a better job, I’ll date when I have a better house”, always creating reasons why they are not ready to date. The phal lacy here is that one day they will wake up and magically be ready to date, but the truth is nobody is ever 100% ready to do anything, including dating. Dating is a skill, which means it’s something that people can get better at over time. My recommendation: get back out there and focus on improving your dating skills, getting better at listening, getting better at planning fun dates. Also figuring out what kind of person you want to be with. One of my philosophies on break ups is that it’s not that time heals all wounds and that waiting it out will suddenly make you feel better, but it’s that meaning can heal all wounds. If you say “OK. What did I learn in that past relationship? What do I want to do differently in the future? What kind of partner do I want to look for next time?”, in actually finding that meaning it will be a lot easier to get over your last partner and feel excited about moving forward. It’s basically saying, “I am a stronger person for going through that experience.”, but it is not something that may happen naturally. You have to sit down and do the work of overcoming the negative situation and seeing the positive. Your feelings are valid, but my recommendation is that many people are more ready than they think, and instead of waiting around to feel ready, throw yourself on a date, see how you feel, and ease yourself back out there.
- What is your big dating tip for right now?
Many people are experiencing FODA – fear of dating again – and are worried of getting back out there after a year of maybe taking time off from dating, or not having a lot of social interaction. So, I would say; Firstly, that’s normal. A lot of people are experiencing this. I would tell them to not rush, and move at their own pace, but I would also encourage them to try video dating because not only is it a really easy and fun virtual vibe check, but we also have these video prompts that will help you break the ice.